October 26, 2009

i think my post natal depression must be back.  just in a different form.  or actually, now that i think about it more that it is expressing itself more strongly in an area it didn’t so much last time.

17 months after percy’s birth the shrink i was seeing said she very much thought i had had and possibly still was suffering with PND.  in some respects i think it’s something i’ll never kick.  it’s the heightened awareness of the awfulness of the world towards children.  i cannot cope with it.  my head aches, my heart pounds, my fists clench, my jaw tightens, my eyes spring tears, my chest constricts, i swallow and swallow and swallow, my nose runs, my throat feels like i’m going to throw up, my fingers fidget…  it’s a huge list of physical responses that leave me feeling wrenched dry and wretched.  i cannot accept the truly heinous things that people inflict on children.  those most vulnerable and most in need of protection, love and encouragement.  i have fantasies of hunting down the abusers and the torturers and the traffickers and the warmongerers and all the vile people and happily slitting their throats so they drown in their own blood.  this is not a reasoned and sensible response to my world.

this aspect of my off-kiltedness built quickly after percy’s conception and has stayed with me since.

the crying, sobbing, sooking “i can’t do this” i experienced thru her first 2 years has mostly faded.

the low level anger and bubbling violence is the aspect that has surged to the forefront this time.  i find i am holding myself rigid at some point in every day trying not to smash someone’s face in.  fortunately and unfortunately the only people i see each day are my children and paul, none of whom i could actually hit.  not that the thought hasn’t been there.  i envisage swinging percy’s head into the wall sometimes.  then of course i am aghast in horror at myself.  i feel my arm twitch to punch paul right in the mouth.  leaving the room is poor compensation or control.  (and yes, this would add me to that list of people i want to see frothing a red last gasp.)

so why has this low level anger become ‘medium grade violence’, barely suppressed by my self will?  i don’t know.  is it a learned response from my violent childhood, where my father taught us physical might is an acceptable response to the challenges of the day?  perhaps somewhat.  have i always been teetering on this angry slope, just needing the angle to tip up some to send me sliding along to lashing out?  maybe.   do i actually, in my gut, in my marrow, find it ok to impose my will and have my way thru being the bigger guy, the bully?  i honestly hope not.  i do think my brain has more control over my actions than my gut or marrow.  yet still today i slammed a hole in the wall.  (which is a problem for a whole ‘nother reason because the wall is probably made of asbestos sheeting.)  thankfully this violent smashing of my hand against the wall was out of sight from my children, tho i suppose they could hear it.  what am i modeling to these beautiful, impressionable minds?  i know i’m not doing the right thing yet still i did it.  i couldn’t stop myself.  on saturday i slammed my hand into the steering wheel while driving and said ‘fuck’ and least eighteen times in front of percy.  what is so hard about my life that i cannot restrain this idiotic behaviour?  perhaps it’s got nothing to do with my life, just a general feebleness of mind.  inherited?  nurtured?  i can’t say.

are these the kind of behaviours that you can lay at the door of depression anyways?

i love percy and tally to the core of my being.  i would do anything for them.  yet i take only fleeting pleasure in them.  snatches of five minutes here and there.  perhaps half an hour of playing in the park is a joy.  the rest of the time?  i feel thwarted and resentful.  this morning it took over an hour to convince percy to put her slippers on.  why is this such a big deal?  well, it’s quite a cold house we live in now and her getting sick would mean me looking after her while she’s ill.  so there’s no proven link between cold feet and a cold, and as a parent caring for my children either well or ill is something that comes with the job.  i still wanted her to put her slippers on and she didn’t.  i refuse to physically restrain her and jam them on myself.  what’s the point?  half a micro second later she’d have them off again and i’d just be teaching her that being bigger and the bully is acceptable.  numerous threats came to nought.  finally i put all the threats together- no play, no food, no cuddles, no talking, no tv, no milk, nothing!  this appeared to work as she brightly said “i want ot put my slippers on now.”  why does this encounter leave me feeling like an absolutely useless mother?  questioning why i had kids at all?

i’m angry.  angry with nearly everyone and everything.  i can’t explain why and i can’t seem to make it go away.  i hope and hope it will fade…


watch what you say

October 18, 2009

here’s some pearlers that percy has picked up from us, actually paul thinks it’s all my fault…

“what the hell’s that?”  while pointing to a piece of bark on her leg in the bath.

“why kill the cats?”

“watch more star trek?”  “no, percy, you mean star wars!!” replies her pappa.  percy got it wrong because i accidently said ‘trek’, instead of ‘wars’.  i’m not sure a two and half year old should be watching star wars but we are actually self combusting at the thought of watching high 5, thomas tank engine or toy story one more time.  because we have also been without tv since moving videos (sorry, DVDs!) are the only option.  better star wars than american history x or rock’n’rolla, heh?

the rest have slipped my mind but you get the idea.

syd children’s festival

October 14, 2009

percy had a great couple of hours at carriageworks this morning; having a hot chocolate with me and then meeting up with izzy and partaking in some activities and generally running about with izzy.  unfortunately the festival is aimed at kids 5+ so the girls were a bit under-aged for the majority of it. oh well.

i forgot to take the camera so no nice piccies.  the damage done in the piccie below was as we were leaving.  izzy and punky were running along a concrete path when down she went.  oh god, it was awful.  she was howling with blood and snot and saliva going everywhere.  of course with talvin in the sling on my front there is only so much cuddling and comforting i can do.  poor chook her whole top lip and nose is swollen.  thankfully her teeth seem ok and she was her usual cheerful and difficult self in the afternoon.

let’s remember the happy bits, where percy enjoyed the big bean bags, threading and weaving the giant snake, running up and down the auditorium steps and purchasing a new book (puff the magic dragon), as the memorable bits for this day.poor punky 001poor punky 003

worm farm

October 14, 2009

in keeping with being greenie suburbanites we now have a worm farm.  percy took a keen interest in setting it up and asks everyday to see the worms again.worm farm 014worm farm 023worm farm 013worm farm 005

(seemed like a good use of the sport pages too)