i really do love her

August 26, 2010

however i find myself quite often unable to live with her.  i’ve read the tantrum threes are worse than the terrible twos but this is ridiculous.  i spend the entire day diffusing percy.  she starts before her head lifts off the pillow and she only stops when she’s watching tv or asleep again.  (needless to say she is now watching far, far too much tv.)

this was going to be my facebook post this afternoon:  “has one child available for adoption: female, 3yrs, cute, intelligent, temper like a bitch and completely unable to do anything nice for anyone except herself” but i thought it a little harsh for general consumption.

the problem is percy has zero coping skills.  if it’s not her way, now, it’s screaming and crying.  i get this is an age thing and her learning to manage her emotions and her place in the world but when you have to negotiate and reason and explain and cajole and threaten non-stop for twelve hours it saps your will to live.  or pushes your ability to abandon or abuse.  i have the exact same conversations (if you could call them that) with her every day.  i know she hasn’t forgotten.  she can recall the things she wants to from months ago.  i suppose having a manageable, day-to-day life is not one of her priorities.  perhaps i should let it get to the point that she has no clothes to wear, no food to eat, no dishes to eat it off if she did, no toys, no books, no teev, no ability to go anywhere because the stroller tyres are flat and the car is out of petrol, no lights,  heat  or water because no-one paid any bills etc etc and see what the response is.  just more screaming i expect.

oh well, fifteen or so more years and she can do it somewhere i can’t hear her or be responsible for her.

(i only wrote that because i’m angry at the moment.  i want her next to me for the rest of our lives; just at a pitch and volume that i can bear and with the understanding that her way ain’t always possible or even the best way.)

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the fuller story

August 26, 2010

i’ve had a number of comments and messages about my post “one less christmas complication.”  i should explain the context so that post may be judged with more information.

some weeks ago paul was darling enough to buy me two tickets to see sir ian mckellan in beckett’s “waiting for godot” at the opera house.  the follow day he posted on facebook that i was lucky enough to spend the night out with a girlfriend, not getting home ’til the very adult time of midnight (or whatever it was.)  one reply post, from my sister-in-law, said something along the lines of good on me as we all need to get out with adults and have time away from the kids.  i can’t say exactly what is was because paul promptly deleted the whole lot.  which was probably very sensible of him.

for whatever mixed up reason in my head i replied to this post in an inappropriate manner.  i wrote, and this is nearly a quote but most likely not entirely exact; “could you stop hijacking our posts?  we know you think we  are not very good parents.  just let it lie.”

well, all hell broke loose after this.  apparently that was hugely offensive and my sister-in-law’s delicate constitution could not handle it- she suffered two epilpetic fits as a direct result.  i am truely sorry that that happened to her, i don’t ever wish her ill.  anyways… my brother called in the evening of the same day to ask me to apologise.  i said, and i still feel, that i have nothing to apologise for.  my post was an expression of an opinion and a request to leave comments about our parenting alone.  i realise thinking later about my sister-in-law’s post that she was only saying good things and wishing me well.  i should not have replied as i did.  however it’s all too late… below is the ensueing facebook messages we exchanged…  (the italics and bold are mine, to help understanding whose message is whose.)

petra wrote:

hi there,
i’ve just worked out why i’m not seeing posts from you; you’ve “de-friended” me, haven’t you? cheeky thing! if you really don’t want to include me that’s fine but lets not let one difference of opinion change everything.
hope everyone is well and keeping warm!
petra

reply:

I have not de-friended you, otherwise you could not send me a personal message, all access would be banned. But I’d rather not be insulted on a public page just because you are in a bad mood. I already have one of those sisters in my life, I most certainly do not require another! You mouth off, care not for other’s feelings, and disregard all consequences and symptoms of your actions. I, at 36 Petra, do not require such disrespect in my life when all I did was wish you well.

It was hardly a difference of opinion, and it would serve you well in life to learn the words “I am sorry”. Like father like daughter…

I am no doormat Petra. I do have feelings however, and you hurt mine most definitively.

hi,
gosh, i really did not know all that. i am sorry, very sorry. why didn’t you speak to me instead of sending karl? tally should be having nap in half hour or so, can i call you then?
repentant,
petra

No, don’t call me please. You had a chance to say sorry on the phone. Paul answers for you all the time, even when we call to speak to you, so I don’t see why that’s your concern now? I was actually so upset I couldn’t call you, so for once my husband spoke on my behalf. I am proud of him for that, and greatful to him for it. It was hard for him to speak to you, and it prooved to me how concerned he was for me.

You actually said to Karl “I’m not saying sorry!”, so I think it’s a little late to play repentant. I need time i guess. Family is family, and I will always love you because of that. But right now I don’t like you very much, and your brother isn’t too impressed with you either. Naturally he loves you, you just make it difficult to be liked.

Glad to see you can at least spell sorry, even if you don’t mean it in the slightest.

ok, i respect your request for time. what will change over time tho? will you just forget? hardly. will your opinion on what has happened change? why would it?
you say you were so upset you couldn’t speak, can you find the words to write? it would help if i understood what made what i wrote so painful. at present all i see was me stating what i think to be true and asking you to stop treating me in a particular manner in a public forum- which is i think a large part of your concern; that facebook is a quasi-public domain. so explain to me exactly what i have to be sorry for and i’ll give it good consideration.

i would ask you to not decide what i feel or mean either. you haven’t a clue.

kindly,
petra

Petra,

I did not insult your parenting, nor have I ever done. They are your insecurities, not mine. If you can take an innocent “good for her” and turn it into whatever made you insult me so, then you have issues.

Yes, I was upset that night, greatly so. I had 2 siezures from it if you want to push the fact, so thank you, kindly. Now, the hurt is dissapating, evolving, as hurt does, into anger. This is why I dont want to speak to you right now. I don’t see how you expect me to believe that you don’t understand. You may be nasty, but you are not, and never have been, stupid! I don’t particularily give a rats arse who on Paul’s page can see, as we have no mutual facebook ‘friends’ other than you in common. I come on facebook for relaxation, I don’t need to be defensive when I turn it on.

So now, instead of ‘sorry, so sorry’, it’s ‘i’ll give it good consideration’! as to whether or not you will apologise to me! Are you for real? Karl explained himself perfectly well when he called you, you know what you did was immature and uncalled for. Do not order me. I said something nice and you pissed on it, because that’s what you do best.

This is me controlled, deleting, editing. You do not want to speak to me, trust me.

One last thing, before I go and enjoy my perfectly behaved amazingly organised family…, ^_^…………., don’t decide for me what you think I meant, don’t read between lines and add your pessimist’s view on life to every comment ever made. Enjoy nice for nice. Accept that people aren’t out to get you. But, if you start a fight with me, accept what you have created with your nastiness.

hi,
i’m more confused than ever. i am truly very sorry that you suffered seizures. i hope you can accept that in good faith.

i’m going to stop addressing every point in our messages because we are clearly just making each other worse. so here’s the core issue:
i have felt in the past that you have detrimentally judged the way we are raising our children.

the comment you posted against pual’s post was interpreted by me as again negative (yes, i know now you definately didn’t mean it that way- we are talking about interpretations and opinions) and it was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. i replied stating that i knew you didn’t think the way we raise our children is the best and asked you to stop making comments about it. that’s it. clearly the error was mine in interpretation and choice of retort. i apologise, unreservedly.

sincerely,
petra

one little thing; what does this …,^_^……….., mean? i’ve never seen it before, cheers.

Petra,

I think we are going to continue going around in circles because of that very reason. We completely disagree as to what IS the core issue here. You feel, I gather, that I have belittled your parenting, now and in the past. I am at a loss as to where you have got such an idea, and therefore see the only issue as you being insulting to me. So, having said that, let me try to clear one thing up.

I (and Karl) do not think you, or Paul, are bad parents. We have never, to our complete recollection, said or implied such a thing. I won’t be dragged into defending every comment I’ve ever said in the years since Persephone was born, but please, if you have an example to enlighten me, please let me in on it.

If you paste a comment on fb that I have commented on, it is my recollection that I have always responded with humour. Naturally no one parents the same as another. Hell, it’s a hard enough job to try to get two people, raised in different homes, to agree on one style of raising children. So, naturally anyone else outside of those 2 parents is yet another point-of-view. This would be true of all family, all friends and even all well meaning old ladies in the damn street. But a different POV does not equate to negative judgement. I really don’t know why you would think that. Maybe it is the way you were raised, with only one person’s opinion allowed to be heard. But, growing up, we were encouraged to have our own thoughts. Funnily enough, 4 out of 5 of us Moss Kids have understood and accepted this as so. We are greatful for being taught to have a voice. But, 1 of the 5 of us has massive problems with any comment about her, her children, her house, anything. Even when she asks for them, begs for them in fact.

Yes, Karl and I parent a little differently to you. But, did you ever think that if I were as sensitive about it as you are, I would see every action you do differently to us, as an insult? A judgement upon the choices we have made? Really Petra, here’s some food for thought. Rennae is my best friend in the whole world apart from Karl. We were parented by the same people, grew up in the same house. I could not find a person who parents their children more polar opposite to me, or she with me. We laugh about it most times, shaking our heads, rolling our eyes and just plain pointing out that the other is nuts. But who in the world is to dare say her way or my way is THE WAY? Certainly not me, and not her.

In the future, if there is to be a future for us, I ask you this. Take a little of the Moss attitude with me and your brother. If you have a problem with us, address it immediately. Don’t let assumed slights turn into a festering mess. I still don’t know to what you are referring, so I am playing blind here. But you treated me poorly, and even when it was poited out to you by your brother, you didn’t care. I know you didn’t wish ill health on me, but that was the result of true hurt to me. Believe me, if I chose to say something just for a reaction or to be negative to you or Paul, my body would never betray me like that. I accept your compassion for that moment.

I leave you with this. All I see is that you have 2 healthy kids, as do we. We should all be greatful to whatever the hell made that happen. We both have struggles in life, we both accept challenges. We may take one path, you another. Are you judging us? I’ve never thought that, because it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have the home life you want, the life and family and love you want. Does doing things differently to your proverbial neighbour make you more or less than them. Never. I believe you both do the best for your kids, I know we think we do too. It matters not in the end anyhow.

That thing was my attempt at raised eyebrows and henceforth, sarcasm. We don’t have it better or worse than you, it’s all relative. I

Sindy.

P.S. You didn’t ask me btw, you told me to stop ‘hijacking’ your posts. Not very polite, but hey.

morning,
thanks for the info. i can’t sustain the conversation any more, i’m tired and brow-beaten, which i suspect is how you win all your fights- who cares? i can’t and won’t do it any more, i can’t see you considering my point of view only repeatedly asking me to see yours. so let’s talk about something else, or leave it, huh?
enjoy the sunshine today.,
petra

Couldn’t find an example then? Thought so.

That’s all I’ve got, I give it to you with insight and love. Use it or not, probably not.

Sorry i missed the request for an example…. nope i still can’t see it, but then reading your messages is so draining, i’ve probably skimmed over it somewhere. i think what you are looking for is an answer to “when have you (sindy) been negative about our (petra and paul) parenting?” god, i hope i’m right because i just can’t bear argueing with you anymore. anyways, the answer is in our different opinions and interpretations as parents. (and for pity’s sake would you just accept it’s all about opinions and interpretation?? – you say “it’s all relative”, i just use different words.) so here goes; it appears to us that you find being a parent the highest calling possible. which is great. we don’t. i think there are other things that can be as good, meaningful, fulfilling and worthwhile as being a parent. i find your attitude and some of the things you say, that are prompted from this attitude, at times, galling. it makes me feel that all the other things i try to achieve in life are insignificant and if i try to achieve them against being the very best parent i can be then i’m making the wrong choice. if my children sometimes come second because i want to do something else i’m evil and selfish. that hurts me.

but fuck it, i give up. there’s no way i can see you understanding this so once again i’m going to plead that you let it lie.

i wish i could be the family member you want me to be but it seems i cock it up no matter what.

good night,
petra

Gee, sorry that ‘I’ am so draining to you! Try paragraph 2, “…enlighten me.” Anyhow, I could have just said nothing to you about this, written you off. I decided not to, and I get told my attempt at clarification is draining. Many thanks. I think you have an appetitie for fights, but after 3 sisters in my life, and my mother, I’m rather over it. The very fact that I didn’t just say F – You and be done with it, was my trying to be nice for Karl’s sake, and the fact that I love him very much. To my own pain-in-the-arse-sister, I just ignore. You should be greatful I even bother with you right now.

I do find being a parent an amazing gift I thought I may never see. I will not apologise for that because you do not.

If YOU think you are ‘…evil and selfish” well, again, your words, not mine. I will not let you twist this and continue to insult me more than you already did and have. You are right Petra, you cock everything up, no matter what! How’s that working for ya?

Sindy.

* We will not be at Talvin’s party, that is when Austen has his First Holy Communion in the Catholic Church, at 12pm, same day. I am sure you are relieved.

Gee, sorry that ‘I’ am so draining to you! NO YOU’RE NOT.

Try paragraph 2, “…enlighten me.” Anyhow, I could have just said nothing to you about this, written you off. BUT YOU DIDN’T, BIT BORED THIS WEEK ARE YOU?

I decided not to, and I get told my attempt at clarification is draining. Many thanks. YOU’RE WELCOME.

I think you have an appetitie for fights, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK, BUT NO, I DON’T.

but after 3 sisters in my life, and my mother, I’m rather over it. SO WHY CONTINUE THIS ONE?

The very fact that I didn’t just say F – You and be done with it, was my trying to be nice for Karl’s sake, and the fact that I love him very much. WELL YOU’VE AS GOOD AS SAID IT NOW.

To my own pain-in-the-arse-sister, I just ignore. You should be greatful I even bother with you right now. I’M NOT GRATEFUL. HOW YOU CAN IMAGINE I WOULD BE SHOWS HOW THICK YOU ARE.

I do find being a parent an amazing gift I thought I may never see. I will not apologise for that because you do not. I NEVER ASKED YOU TO APOLOGISE, I ASKED YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. ONCE AGAIN YOU’VE GOT YOUR BLINKERS ON.

If YOU think you are ‘…evil and selfish” well, again, your words, not mine. I DON’T THINK THAT.

I will not let you twist this and continue to insult me more than you already did and have. HEY, I COULD REALLY LET ALL CANNONS FLY IF I WANTED TO.

You are right Petra, you cock everything up, no matter what! How’s that working for ya? I COCK UP VERY FEW THINGS ACTUALLY. WHAT’S WORKING FOR YOU?

Sindy.

* We will not be at Talvin’s party, that is when Austen has his First Holy Communion in the Catholic Church, at 12pm, same day. I am sure you are relieved.
ACTUALLY I’M DISAPPOINTED, GOD ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE, TALLY ONLY TURNS ONE ONCE. I BELIEVE THE RELIEF IS ON YOUR SIDE.

stay healthy,
petra

We don’t chose the date of the Holy Communions, the church does, once a year.
You really are an idiot.
You were not at Austen 1st party.
My life is good, better now Karl has seen your true colours.
You are a sad, miserable, bored, childish fool.
Your’ Poor kids.
Stay Healthy? Really? Get out of your selfish little bitch of a bubble and live my life for one day. You will see how detrimental you have just been to my health.
Take a pill, better yet, take a few.
Karl said Why do I bother with you? I said, she’s your sister, she’s family. Me the fool then.
I am done with you.
L

well, if you’ve made it down to here well done.  i always figured having such a small family would mean we’d never run into clashes and complications that i thought needed larger families to sustain.  clearly, i’m badly wrong.  i have not communicated with my sister-in-law since her last message to me.  i’ve spoken to my brother a couple of times but not directly on this matter.  it would be such a shame if a family rift became permanent out of this.  i’d really like percy and tally to know their aunt and uncle and their cousins; they are nice people.  seeing as i am unable and unallowed to contact sindy we are waiting for something from them to open the door again.  they did send a very nice home made card and present to tally for his birthday.  my elder nephew’s birthday is in september, we are hoping that we get invited to attend the celebration, hence making amends possible.  if we don’t get invited i’m not sure what next.

one funny thing i have learnt out of this, if i wasn’t already aware of it beforehand; i am a door mat.  but not in a negative way.  i just don’t care to care so much about slights or negatives or brush-offs or insults or whatever.  it would have to be something almighty serious for me to care past an hour or so, or a day or at most a week that i would snub and refuse to be with you.  so far, perhaps blessedly, no-one has done this.  (except my parents but that’s a case for a great many visits to a shrink’s couch- let’s go there another day!)  i figure everyone is allowed to be fussy or particular in their own way, to live the life they can best or want, to have off moments and days, to just not see other points of view or consequences, to prioritise and love as they like…

of course i see the paradox here and i’m far from perfect in my own life.  i am trying tho.  if sindy were to contact me i’d just want to hug her, cry a few tears, laugh and get on with it.  such a cliche, but life is too short.  don’t hang around for things you are never going to get- like a second apology.

finally, my sister-in-law further suffers from crohn’s disease.  it’s a nasty one.  it’s more than likely she’ll one day end up with half her intenstines and bowel missing and a colostomy bag.  if i could take it away from her i would.  i do give money to research bodies that are looking for cures and better management options.  interestingly, research does show that ailments of the gut affect how the mind works.  i did raise this once with karl and sindy but they didn’t seem interested.  i feel sure tho that sindy’s brain perhaps isn’t working as it otherwise might because of the problems in her digestive tract.  in odd moments i wonder what differences might be noticed.

there goes .4

August 23, 2010

i haven’t heard from my egg recipient for over a week now.  when we last spoke some hormone or blood thing that was supposed to be around 400 was only 150, then in two days it went up to 500, which apparently is no better.  she has been having pains and bleeding a little too.  i think she is not going to keep the pregnancy.  i feel so sorry for her and her partner.  it seems despite the best that i can offer and that reproductive science can do for her, she is destined not to have a baby.  it’s exceptionally sad.  so there goes my 0.4 child.  never mind.  i didn’t do it to have another child that was a bit me around.  i did it because it felt right, it was possible, it was fair, it should have been done.

how heart-wrenching to have to live beyond another miscarriage.  how unfair to see their families around them having babies.  how knife-twisting to know that should they want to, no adoption agency will accept them now.

it’s a cruel twist that those that so keenly want a baby to love and adore are denied while other children are born to parents who don’t adore and maybe don’t know how to love.

is that “life”?  if it is, it shouldn’t be.

tally turning one party

August 23, 2010

it was just lovely to see so many of our friends come to wish tally a happy birthday.  it was a relief that no-one pitched head long down the 3 metre drop in the back yard.  it was great to have a yard big enough to fit a jumping castle in it.  it was mildly embarassing to have everyone see what a third rate house we presently live in- give us a few years we are going to build a better one!  it was exciting to see a raft of new clothes and toys for tally, even if that is mercantile of me.

hugs to all!

tally’s cake was a cupcake cake- note to others; cutting a cupcake cake into lots of little servings is hard!

tally having enjoyed said cake!

happy family!

it’s almost as bad

August 6, 2010

waiting for someone else’s pregnancy test is almost as bad as waiting for your own!  my recipient will take a test mid next week to see if the one egg transferred has “stuck”, making her technically pregnant.  then of course it has to “stick” for nine more months and grow properly too.

i’m a little miffed at the number of eggs that made it through the process.  you may recall twelve in all were harvested.  of these apparently 7 were nice and big and healthy.  of these five “mixed” nicely with the sperm.  of these two “took” and grew well so that five days later one was implanted into my recipient and one was frozen.  so only 2 from twelve?!  perhaps that’s pretty standard but i kinda thought twelve meant twelve!  ‘course twelve little half percys or half tallys running around is probably more than the world can handle!

of course there is a history to the communique below.  of course there will be as many points of view on the matter as there are participants or readers.  of course i shouldn’t repeat this and put it here for it to be read at all.  of course, of course, of course…  i have no particular reason or justification, i just want to.

it does mean i think we don’t have to fit in a visit at christmas time!  i don’t think i’d be very welcome.

“We don’t chose the date of the Holy Communions, the church does, once a year. You really are an idiot. You were not at (deleted) 1st party. My life is good, better now (deleted) has seen your true colours. You are a sad, miserable, bored, childish fool. Your’ Poor kids. Stay Healthy? Really? Get out of your selfish little bitch of a bubble and live my life for one day. You will see how detrimental you have just been to my health. Take a pill, better yet, take a few. (deleted) said Why do I bother with you? I said, she’s your sister, she’s family. Me the fool then. I am done with you.”

let’s live to have regrets, hey?