oh hind-sight

September 24, 2010

when i look back at my egg donation journey there is one thing i wish i had done differently.  it’s the most important thing too.  it might not be the most important thing to others but it depends on your motivations for doing the thing in the first place.  i wish  i’d asked more questions and screened my recipients more.  the reason i didn’t do that is because it felt too rude and breaching their privacy too much.  why do i think i know would have preferred to screen my recipients?  because, selfishly, i would have liked to pick a woman that had the best chance (as far as i could determine it) of carrying a pregnancy to term.  i wanted a baby to result from this process.  i feel i need to justify that want of mine, but i don’t know how to.  i think it’s just “well, of course”; why else pin cushion my belly and let a doctor up my vagina to suck out twelve eggs?  it’s a meaningless set of actions if no baby is born from it.

i feel dreadful for them but because my recipient lost the fresh egg transfer, and what i know now of her history, i feel almost certain the frozen egg transfer won’t work next month either, i somehow feel cheated too.  it’s horribly selfish but there you are.  there was supposed to be a baby!  a child, a new life, the starting of a story, years of growth and discovery and love.  i wouldn’t have been a participant in it, but i wanted to know it was going on out there anyways; partly because of me.  perhaps the frozen egg transfer will take, to blossom into this life that’s meant to happen.

what would it have been that i wanted to know about my recipient?  what could i have possibly used to determine if the longed for baby had the best chance of being born?  well, mostly the womans age and her reproductive history.  i might have picked someone younger, perhaps someone with more proof of gestational success.  how can or who am i to decide tho? my recipient is 47 and has suffered many miscarriages.  (i can’t imagine how she holds herself together.  losing one life to miscarriage at 8 weeks of gestation was the pits, bearing it multiple times would unhinge me.)  i have the opinion, wholly unscientific that it is, that my lovely recipient isn’t meant to bear children.  call it fate, god, karma, kismet, damn bloody unfair, or what you will.  i do so fervently hope i’m wrong.  if i was the praying type (again) i’d be sending that little frozen embryo and that gorgeous womb all the power to live that i could.  as i’m not, i’ll just reflect in the quiet moments and hope against hope that mid-next year some time, that beautiful, mewling cry will speak in the ears of my recipient and her husband and that child will be held so hard against love’s breast, for one moment, one day and one long, long lifetime.

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frozen embryo to go

September 9, 2010

my recipient didn’t stay pregnant.  she’s very brave and stoic.  i’m sure she cries in the dark of the night.  i know, if i was in that position, i would howl.

there’s one frozen embryo that will be transferred into her womb in october.  it’s her last chance.  if i was religiously minded i would pray for her.  i fervently hope it works, that they may have the child they so desparately want.

going to think about other things now.

this house has got to go!

September 8, 2010

i can scarcely believe that we have just returned from a delightful hour and half at the bay-side beach at cronulla, in nothing more than t-shirts and the first thing i do when we get inside this miserable house is put on socks, slippers, jumpers and the heater!  it’s just wrong on so many levels that the temperature and comfort of inside this house can be so badly mis-matched to the outside.  this morning we had delivered nearly $1000 worth of under floor insulation to retro-fit to this pile of junk.  hopefully that will go a long way to evening out the ridiculous temperatures in here.  if anyone wants to climb under our house with us on sunday to screw and tape it into place, please feel free to drop ’round and help us!

i’ve put email and website queries into three different places now to get ideas and help on re-building.  so far not a single answer.  rude fucks!  i suppose i’m the only one that takes email and website queries seriously.  but seriously (ha ha) why have a query form on your website if you’re not going to pay attention to it?  i shall have to telephone instead.  then at least a can be told that “we don’t care/ want your business/ need your business/ etc” in person.  saves waiting and wondering.

back to our beach trip tho… i’m kicking myself for forgetting the camera!  percy was bravely running way out to the low tide mark to fill her water-can to pour over the castles we were building and tally looked just adorable crawling around with his willy in the sand and waving from the water line.  even my poor photographic skills could have got something good there.  next time…