it must be about a year now since my falling out with sindy.  i recall it was just before talvin’s 1st birthday; his second is a couple of months away making my rough calculations- about a year ago.  update?  nothing has changed.  we have not been included or invited to anything with my brother’s family.  sigh. 

we did invite them to percy’s fourth birthday.  oddly, they attended.  i saw sindy arrive whilst in the midst of a conversation with someone else.  i was so surprised i gave her a big smile and called out “just give me a minute!”  shortly thereafter i approached her, before my brother or nephews, and with arms held wide i said “hi, can we say hello?”  she turned her back while shaking her head and saying “no, we’re here, that’s enough.”  in my opinion it’s not enough but there’s nothing left for me to do.  tho i imagine sindy thinks the thing i need to do is apologise.  go read the facebook messages bi-atch i did apologise!  sorry, i’m trying to be the bigger person here and let myself live with a clear conscience but sometimes the ridiculousness of that woman makes me too angry.  it would be nice to be a part of my brother’s family.  i can’t make it so.  i see myself hanging around on the periphery, explaining to percy and tally every year why their cousins come to their birthdays (assuming they do) but they don’t get to see them at any other time.  it’s a little sad.

i did get to speak to karl for a short while at percy’s birthday party.  if i get the opportunity again i’m not going to be circumspect and hedge around the topic like i did then.  i’m just going to ask him straight out what the fuck do i do to sort out his wife?  is he really intending to go to his grave without his sister and her family in his life?  i can’t imagine what his answer will be. literally, that’s not a rhetorical sort of statement where i really can imagine but don’t want to say- i really CAN”T imagine.  when the falling out occurred i did speak to karl on the telephone.  he went on and on about how he and sindy are a couple and therefore what one thinks the other does, what one feels the other does, what one wants the other does.  i didn’t laugh at him out-right but that’s one of the most dickhead-est things i think i’ve ever heard about being a couple.  a couple may be a partnership but it’s still made up of individuals- that are separate, thinking, feeling persons.  unfortunately what i believe this unhealthy definition of “couple” really means is that my laid-back, casual, couldn’t-hurt-a-fly brother has had his kind, honest personality warped into submission to a control freak.  he only does/thinks/feels what he’s allowed.  i know that’s a very harsh assessment and obviously would be vigourously defended by the couple in question, but hey, my blog, my opinion.

he also went on and on about how he didn’t want to get involved and he has no idea how the female mind works.  i didn’t point out the obvious- so why did you call then? nor did i try to explain the female mind is the same as the male one, sometimes just taking a more emotional journey to arrive at the same place as the males does.  what i did ask him repeatedly, to which he had no answer, was what i should do, since i was expressly not permitted to contact sindy by voice or written word, to make the relationship friendly again.  i stressed that he needed to think about a solution; as yet i’ve heard no reply.

a secondary argument that my brother and i had that evening was about our relationships with our parents.  it’s kind of odd to discuss those relationships with karl.  with both obviously feel the other is acting poorly!  to summarise the pertinant point that karl felt most strongly about i could say he feels that since our dad assaulted my nephew i should have cut off all contact with him, instead i maintain a relationship that is based solely on my greed; i only talk to dad when i want something from him.  oh dear… what an accusation.  first up; i will not let a third party dictate my relationship with someone.  my brother does not get to tell me who i can associate with or whom i’m in a relationship with.  my parents and i have a terribly fraught relationship, there’s no need to make it worse.  secondly, if karl feels so strongly that he and his sister should have nothing to do with someone who assaults children why didn’t he cut off all contact with our father when we were teenagers and he knew of the assaults his father did to his sister?  it’s a double standard.  if you want to live by a principle, don’t take it up and put it down when it suits you, stick to it.  finally, i do not contact my father only when i want something from him.

in my first assessment of “the fuller story” i wrote that diseases of the gut can affect the way the mind interprets the world.  i was rightly pulled up on this statement.  it’s a big call.  i based it on an article i had read in the ‘new scientist’ magazine.  since i haven’t read new sci in four years and we’ve given all our copies to moz (moz?) i cannot readily go back and find the article again.  i did promise to try to look up some basis for this theory.  i was able to spend about a half hour today doing so.  unfortunately i didn’t find the new sci article and no other reputable published story either.  i found some related things but nothing robust enough to hang a scientific hat on.  from memory the new sci article claimed that studies have been done that show people suffering from chronic gut diseases can interpret the world as more hostile and dangerous than the general population.  extrapolating…. does my sister-in-law see more to fear in the world, including in her relationships with people, than someone who does not have crohn’s disease?  and does this then have any bearing on our falling out?  i think it does, in a round-about, distorted way.

i did find the below comment on-line that i found interesting.  not entirely on topic but nevertheless… interesting…

“…I have a pretty big stake in this type of research: I have Crohns Disease and also suffer from recurrent severe depression (I’ve always been disposed to depression I think, and trust me, living with Crohns is enough to crush anyone.) I take SSRI’s along with other methods to help keep myself from tailspinning, moodwise, at times.

Crohns is an autoimmune disorder, mainly affecting the gut. The body mobilizes the immune systems against its own organs, causing inflammation and lesions, all sorts of niceness. There is no cure for Crohns, and medical therapies primarily focus on crippling the remaining immune system, to reduce it’s attacks on the gut and other locations. The obvious issue is that selective immune modulation doesn’t exist- so if you treat the Crohns this way, you open yourself wide for opportunistic infection and a ton of other issues including lethal cancers.

Determining actual function of this visceral neural network could bear out into workable, safer therapies for my disease. Even if it can’t be cured, there is ample evidence that much of the experienced symptoms can be treated to improve the quality of life for patients.

The neurotransmitter Anandamide is crucial in this respect. Crohns patient’s nausea, vomiting, and severe abdominal pain are closey linked into the anandamide CB2 receptor. When an anandamide ligand is given to Crohns patients, dramatic reductions in symptoms occur immediately. This should be no surprise, anandamide CB2 ligands have been used to supress nausea and stop wasting syndromes for thousands of years. Unfortunately, real medical research into anadamide and linked therapies is political and professional suicide… why?

Because it’s marijuana.

Once in a great while I get my hands on a few “joints” worth from a friend of a friend. During the periods of time when I can get it, I can feel nearly human for a time, I can eat- gaining as much as a pound a day, I can sleep through a night without the shakes and sweats and vomiting that come far too often. A few puffs, delivering micrograms of the active chemicals- anandamide ligands…”

do i need to get my sister-in-law high to patch things up??!! ha ha ha

smiles together

May 9, 2011

percy and tally enjoying the hammock chair at their granma and grandad’s home…

the thirlmere rail heritage mueseum (of whatever it’s called) held a “day out with thomas” yesterday.  i took percy and tally while paul was off getting our new car.  both percy and tally really enjoyed themselves and were very well behaved.