what tears a parent apart?

November 25, 2012

as a parent of a new born the things that tore me apart the concerns that my babies weren’t eating enough or sleeping enough.

as a parent of a baby i worried about providing the right stimulation at the right times to encourage physical and mental development.  not to the point of being torn up.  with tally i was terribly distressed about his 12 months of continuous vomiting and his low weight.

thru toddlerhood i wasn’t too worried.  lots of activities and outings and derry-doing and stories to read.

once percy reached pre-school age i did think we should be putting more effort into teaching her to read.  that is, recognising letters, even words, knowing the sounds of things.  i think i got complacent.  she was so bright and spoke so well, i was sure she’d pick up reading very easily.  i won’t be making the same mistake with tally.  you see, she hasn’t.

i’m sure i’m not the person that will approach this matter with the calmest demeanour.  i haven’t the patience or the understanding.  i do try very hard.  in the end tho, i just finish frustrated and foiled.  i am very nearly, as they say, at my wits end.

percy has not picked up reading easily.  she hasn’t struggled either.  which i think is mostly the problem.  she’s not interested.  she told me this morning (not for the first time) that she doesn’t want to learn to read.  in the past i’ve stuck with the explanation that reading is great fun and there’s all sorts of fantastic and interesting stories to be read.  this has just washed over her.  i’ve told her there is nothing else i would rather do than read a book all day, if i could.  hoping she’d be keen to emulate me.  doesn’t sway her.

so i tried a different argument this morning.  i explained that if she couldn’t read she wouldn’t be able to do most everything.  i used the example of taking the train to the city to see pappa; how would she know which train to get on, which stop to get off at, which streets to walk down, if she couldn’t read?  no response.

i then asked if she liked me reading her stories.  with a tiny hesitation she answered yes.  did she like me telling her stories that i make up in my head?  yes.  did she like telling me stories she had made up in her head? yes.  if you tell me a story, only one person gets to hear it, if you write it down in a book lots and lots of people get to read it.  non-committal.  did she like watching stories on the t.v?  no hesitation, immediate Yes.  fucking teev.

i was told as the parent of a baby that it doesn’t get any easier, just different.  and i thought to myself.  yeah, right!  what could be worse, or at least not better, than not sleeping and washing vomit off the house and its contents day after day and rocking a non-sleeping baby for hours in my aching, aching arms?  with children you can talk and communicate and reason and logic and appeal.  true, i suppose you can.  but, it’s tearing me up to learn that much of that reasoning and logic and appealing is one-sided.  all from me, none from her.  percy said this morning that school is no fun and she doesn’t want to learn to read.  i’m devastated, torn up and totally, totally stumped.

dress (-up) discoveries

November 19, 2012

i’m in a bit of a quandry.  i’m unsentimental about nearly everything.  i don’t keep things. i feel a bit guilty when percy’s school or some other charity collects unused or unwanted things for junk sales or donations; because i don’t have anything.  once something comes to the end of it’s life in my house, it’s gone.  usually straight to the bin because it really is worn out and repairs and re-uses are no longer viable.  once the kids grow out of things i pass them on.  (we only had a lot of baby things kept for over a year because i knew junior daniels was on the way and i did want him/her to have that stuff.)  i’ve kept one thing from when the kids were bubs.  and that is the sling i carried them both in for so many long hours.  it is dear to me.

on to my present difficult decision.  i have four dresses that i will never wear again.  one is a beautiful printed silk summer shimmy (no, that’s not a fashion term, at least i don’t think it is?!) alas it is also a size 8.  not never gonna fit in that again!  the other three are equally unlikely to fit over my bulky body again.

yesterday i bundled them up into a bag.  i was about to contact on old friend, on whom they’d look lovely, to see if she wanted them.  then i took them out again and hung them back in the cupboard.  why?  well, here’s the quandry… do i continue to store these dresses and lug them from place to place and keep them clean and not smelling musty and let them be discovered by percy when she gets older?  you see, i remember rummaging thru my mum’s cupboards and having great fun in trying on her clothes and waiting for the day when she would pass down to me her wonderous garments.  which isn’t to say my mum had any particular fashion nouce or any great garments.  but the fun was still there and i did eagerly want what wasn’t mine.  does every girl do this?  and a great many boys?  should i deny the opportunity to percy and tally…?

i’m keeping my wedding dress solely because percy has asked me to.  should i keep these other dresses too?